Getting out of this FUNK...

Okay I admit to myself and to my readers that I have been in a funk the last few weeks. I pull myself out and then feel myself going back into it.

No, its not been a depression its been more of a "deep soul searching" type funk. Two weeks ago my aunt Priscilla passed on and is now up in heaven. Well, it really affected me more than I thought it would. She was a solid rock in my life and reminded me a lot of my mother where they both have always had a bulldog kind of faith. It was as if they were twins who were consumed with the word and prayer seemed to be their main focus. Oftentimes mother and aunt Priscilla would be on the phone and would usually end up speaking in tongues and having some God time. They had this special spiritual bond. When you were around Priscilla you felt the anointing all over her and God's spirit in a powerful way. She and I had been texting quite a bit the last few months before God decided to take her on home. I had fasted for her, and many mornings woke up and felt an immediate burden for her so I would intercede on her behalf. I distinctly remember one morning back in March I had felt such a heaviness in my spirit, and yes it was one of those mornings where I was laid out on the floor. I was so full of faith that I literally was waiting for my cell to ring and to be told that she had been completely healed. I even remember picking up my phone and looking at it, and saying "Ring please ring!" She was one of my spiritual projects, and I believed with all my heart that she was going to rise up and be a firecracker for Jesus!! But, it didn't happen...So yes I cried and cried and had a few moments where I could hardly catch my breath because the cries just kept coming. This went on for days off/on and at times got so bad that I even tried to hide it from my husband because I didn't know what was going on. It was as if I couldn't control the emotions inside that I was feeling. The grief along with the questions that were running through my mind. You know how people say, "sometimes you just have to fake it." Well for the last two weeks I have done just that, and have been going through the motions smiling when needed and looking the perfect part. Of course me being raised in a ministers home has helped me to master such an art.

I miss her chocolate chip cookies that she was known for that she made at Christmas. She also told us the "Rock story" that my siblings and cousins have been talking about. She held us spellbound at every Christmas when she told the story. Oh how I will miss her chuckle, and dramatic facial expressions..Oh and she loved chocolate too like me. Oh how I miss her presence, and her godly spirit.

The only comfort I get from all of this is knowing that she is smiling in heaven and doesn't have to deal with the hardships and storms in life anymore. She is totally free up there and now with both of my papa's and grandma's. If we really think about why we are here on earth in the first place then it all makes perfect sense. We will realize that really our goal is to make it to heaven. The pain we may endure is only for a moment when we compare it to eternity in heaven. If we are honest with ourselves and can actually unwrap our stubborn heads that tends to be wrapped tightly around "earthly things" then we can see that heaven is the ultimate goal in life.

My friend, Londa Lewis emailed me a thought-provoking email and one of the things that hit me in the face and caused me to chew on it a bit was the following statement. "It is our job while here on earth to "run the race with the torch held high." At the end of the race, there will be a prize. We do "what we do" on this earth because we want to spend eternity in heaven with our Father. We are aliens here."
It was exactly what I needed because even yesterday I was once again having a funk moment. She lost her husband 12 years ago so she has great insight to this funk zone I have been in. Also my sister-in-law Loida Howell texted me this. "The early Christians believed that struggle is normal, necessary & even healthy in the spiritual life...We therefore cannot escape struggle, nor should we try to embrace it as one aspect of our calling to discipleship. For the goal of life in this world is not ease, prosperity and success but intimacy with God, maturity of character and influence in the world." Wow, I received these 2 words in a 3 hour span. I was at work with the door shut to my office and tears started gushing down-I knew God was speaking to me!! It was exactly what I needed. For some time now I have felt Him calling me to go deeper in Him but fighting whether or not I can truly give up the "me" mentality. So in a 3 hour period I had a friend email and speak into my life and then my sister-in-law tell me exactly what I needed at that very moment. God knew right where I was.

So my friends that is where I've been...I think everyone grieves in their own way. Some bounce back quickly, some fake it for a while and some well it takes them a long while. But that's okay we are all human and are all different. I am so grateful that I have Jesus to lean on.

I also want to thank my friends who have been there for me texting, emailing and calling. As my friend Connie says, "Thanks for being a true Blue Friend." Then the many people who are acquaintances who have emailed me the sweetest emails and who have been concerned about my mother, uncle, cousins and the rest of the family. We all covet your prayers.

I know one day we will embrace her...see her face to face...

But as the song sings, "I believe your my healer." I still do believe HE can raise the dead, he can dry up cancer and cause it to disappear. That He can heal inwardly, heal your diabetes and supply the money for the mortgage on your home. Still I will trust Him.